Q: Persuading her to give you oral sex. I’m feeling a little sexually frustrated with my wife. I don’t want to cheat, but I do feel cheated in that I enjoy giving oral sex to her, but she has little interest in reciprocating. She says she tried it with a guy she went with a long time ago and it made her gag, so she more or less refuses to try again with me. Any ideas how I might persuade her to please me this way? —Vince
Dr. Linda: Start by letting your wife know how much fellatio would mean to you. Then, tell her you can appreciate her misgivings about gagging. Your wife’s bad experience didn’t help, and lots of women are turned off by the prospect. Consider this: how would you feel if a zucchini were shoved down your throat? Fortunately, several “giving head” strategies can create sublime pleasure and avert gagging.
First, offer to lie on your back and remain passive. This way, you’ll get to relax and soak up the dazzling sensations. Typically, you’ll soon discover that great oral sex doesn’t require being deep-throated. Encourage her to use her hand to guide your penis toward your cheeks—or to hold back the depth of penetration by circling her hand or hands around its base.
Have her pick a position that makes her feel more comfortable and secure. Let her know about your most sensitive parts if she doesn’t already know them—probably the head, the scrotum, the seam of the penis that runs from the scrotum to the frenulum and the frenulum itself.
Be specific about the kind of stimulation you like—if it’s lots of kissing, licking, sucking, or all of these. If she’s still reluctant, maybe she’d like to start when you’re still soft. The bottom line is: Talk about these ideas openly and encourage her to think about how much she might enjoy it. Good luck.
Q: Sex and Menstruation. One of my girlfriends claims she loves sex the most when she’s on her period. I’ve never felt very turned on during my period, and have also avoided intercourse then because I thought was unhygienic. Could you please set the record straight? —Michelle
Dr. Linda: Here’s the scoop: Different strokes for different female folks. Studies have found that many women report a “most turned on” time in their monthly cycle. Interestingly, it’s equally divided among “just before, ” “just after”, “during” her period and “mid-cycle.”
So you can believe your friend. It’s possible that the increased blood supply in the genital area during “that” time contributes to some women’s sensitivity and responsiveness to sexual stimulation. It also functions as a natural lubricant. Many women find that orgasm helps relieve menstrual cramping.
Your concerns about hygiene reflect long-standing cultural and religious taboos. In ancient Greece, the mere sight of a menstruating woman was believed to cause steel swords to rust.
The kernel of truth is that IF either person has a sexually transmitted disease, it will be more readily transmitted because blood lowers the natural pH acidity of the vagina. Obviously, condoms and towels are a great idea. Women can also talk to their physician or nurse practitioner about the pros and cons of using a diaphragm during their period to eliminate the “muss n fuss” factor.
Q: Porn for her. I’ve always enjoyed erotically focused photos and videos, to but my wife refuses to look at them with me. She says they turn her off. Do you have any ideas for getting her to reconsider? Or should I just view this kind of stuff privately without telling her? Is there anything wrong with her or with me? —Bill
Dr. Linda: If you are not obsessed with these materials, and are just looking for sexual enrichment and variety, then there’s nothing wrong with you or your wife. Many men respond to visual stimulation, whereas women are often turned off by sexually explicit material, especially when they find it objectifying and degrading.
Women do respond to certain kinds of erotica. For example, many women who completed questionnaires as part of research for my book reported that they preferred material with some sort of plot or theme. Others said they liked material that included romance, fantasy and lots of foreplay.
Your first challenge is getting your wife to realize that not all explicit material is alike. Ask your wife if she’d be willing to try some soft erotica with you. Many tapes that are produced and directed by women, such as those by Femme Productions or Immaculate Video Conceptions emphasize female sensibilities.
Also, check out the Red Shoe Diaries anthology that has aired on Showtime. Discuss with her what she might gain from a little “exposure”—from buttressing her fantasies to, as one woman put it, “something you like that you didn’t know about before.”
Be prepared to offer her some “special treatment” if she does agree to watch with you. As for hiding your interest in explicit material, forget it. Sooner or later, you’re bound to get caught, and the fireworks won’t be pretty. Make sure you’re not pushing the VCR’s buttons instead of hers.
Femme Productions, Inc. – Most of the videos are about 70 minutes and emphasize female fantasies and sensibilities. Two versions of any tape can be ordered; an explicit and a non-explicit version. http://www.royalle.com